The Comedy of Errors Abridged
by Presto
Summary: This is a shortened, semimodernized spoof of Shakespeare's The Comedy of Errors inspired by the Reduced Shakespeare Company. You don't have to be familiar with the play to like this at least I don't think you do. Read, review and enjoy!


(A/N) Hi ya'll! This is something I wrote a while ago for a production of "The Comedy of Errors." Basically, we performed a shortened version of it for a group of kids and this was the script we used.   
The only disclaimer I can think of is; I don't own "The Comedy of Errors" or any of the characters in it. It's all owned by Will Shakespeare. :-)  
I added some of the actions to make it easier to imagine.  
That's all I can think of to say. :-)  
Enjoy! =^.".^=  
"The Comedy for of Errors Abridged"  
(long version)  
(All characters come onstage talking and interacting with other characters all at the same time in a hopelessly chaotic manner :-)  
Narrator enters and tries to get everyone's attention but cannot, she blows a whistle, everyone freezes on the spot)  
  
NARR: That's better. Hello everyone and welcome to our production of "The Comedy of Errors Abridged." I am your narrator. In other words, I'm here to tell you all what's happening up here with these crazy people. Okay everyone line up!  
  
(characters unfreeze and form a chorus line upstage)  
  
NARR: We'll begin by introducing the characters. First, Antipholus.  
  
(both Antipholus' come forward)  
  
NARR: That's right, there are two of them. This is Antipholus of Syracuse, and this is Antipholus of Ephesus. They're brothers. Twin brothers to be exact. They look so much alike that you can hardly tell the difference between them! They were seperated from each other and their parents when they were only babies. They haven't seen each other since.  
Dromio!  
  
(both Dromios come forward)  
  
NARR: Uh huh, two of them also. This is Dromio of Syracuse, and this is Dromio of Ephesus. They are also identical twins and were also separated at birth. One serves one Antipholus and the other serves the other Antipholus.  
  
(Dromios go to their masters and they all exit to opposite sides of the stage)  
  
NARR: This sad old gentleman you see here is Egeon.   
  
(Duke and officer bring Egeon forward)  
  
NARR: He has spent his whole life looking for his twin sons, Antipholus and . . . Antipholus. But he cannot find them anywhere. As if that weren't bad enough, he's been arrested by the Duke's officer who will only set him free if he pays a thousand marks. A thousand marks! That's a lot of money!  
  
EGEON: No kidding!  
  
OFFICER: Get moving!  
  
(Egeon, duke and officer exit)  
  
NARR: Here we have Adriana, the wife of Antipholus of Ephesus. A very loud, bossy lady. And this sweet girl next to her is her sister Luciana who spends most of her time following Adriana around and listening to her yell.  
  
ADR: Come sister!  
  
LUC: Yes, sister.  
  
(They exit)  
  
NARR: Our other characters are Angelo, a goldsmith. Balthazar who is a merchant. Emilia, a wise old nun. And a crazy old man named Dr. Pinch who thinks he's a sorcerer.  
  
(they all bow and exit)  
  
NARR: And now that you know who everyone is, let's start the show! We begin with Antipholus of Syracuse and his servant Dromio of Syracuse. . .  
  
(enter AntS and DroS)  
  
NARR:. . .who have just arrived in a strange city called Ephesus.  
  
ANTS: Dromio, we have just arrived in a strange city called Ephesus!  
  
DROS: She just said that.  
  
ANTS: Who just said what?  
  
DROS: The narrator.   
  
ANTS: Who?  
  
DROS: The narrator already said what you just said.  
  
ANTS: Someone already said what I said?  
  
DROS: That's what I said.  
  
ANTS: Then what did I say?  
  
DROS: I already said that you said what the narrator said when you came in and said what you just said when you came in which you didn't have to say because the narrator already said it!  
  
ANTS: Could you say that again? Just kidding. Listen Dromio, in this bag is a thousand marks. I want you to take it to our hotel for safe keeping. And whatever you do, don't lose it!  
  
(AntipholusS gives DromioS a money bag)  
  
DROS: I won't lose it, Master.  
  
ANTS: Great, I'll be back for dinner.  
  
DROS: Cool, cya then!  
  
(exit DromioS)  
  
ANTS: Great, now I can start my impossible task! Trying to find my parents and my brother. I know they're somewhere, I just don't know where.   
  
(AntS searches the audience, has no luck)  
  
ANTS: Aw, man, this is like trying to find a needle in a haystack!  
  
(enter DromioE)  
  
DROE: Master! There you are! I've been looking for you everywhere!  
  
ANTS: Dromio?  
  
DROE: That's me, Sir!  
  
ANTS: What are you doing here?   
  
DROE: I came to tell you that your wife wants you home for dinner.  
  
ANTS: My who?  
  
DROE: Your wife, sir, wants you home for dinner.  
  
ANTS: Dromio, this is not funny. You know I don't have a wife.  
  
NARR: (blows her whistle)  
  
(AntipholusS and DromioE freeze)  
  
NARR: Didn't I tell you they were hard to tell apart? This is Dromio of Ephesus and he thinks that this is Antipholus of Ephesus. What he doesn't know, is that this is actually Antipholus of Syracuse, who I'll bet is pretty confused.  
  
ANTS: You got that right, where's all the money I just gave him?  
  
NARR: Why don't you ask him?  
  
ANTS: I think I will!  
  
NARR: (blows her whistle)  
  
(DromioE unfreezes)  
  
ANTS: Dromio, where is all the money I just gave you?  
  
DROE: What money?  
  
ANTS: You know, the money? . . . the thousand marks? . . . the gold jingly stuff in the bag???  
  
DROE: Sir, you never gave me any gold jingly stuff in a bag.  
  
ANTS: You liar! You've lost my money haven't you! Why I oughta!  
  
DROE: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH. . . .  
  
(DromioE runs off screaming)  
  
ANTS: Did you hear that? The fool has lost all of my money! I knew there was something fishy about this town!  
  
(a fish flies in from offstage right and hits AntipholusS in the face)  
  
ANTS: (stares at the fish for a second) You know what? I'm going to my hotel. This is getting too weird.  
  
(AntS exits)  
  
NARR: So, Antipholus of Syracuse went back to his hotel to try to figure out what was going on. Meanwhile Adriana is wondering what is taking her husband so long.  
  
(Adriana and Luciana enter)  
  
ADR: I don't understand why he's so late! It's dinner time and the food is getting cold!  
  
LUC: My dear sister, don't be so worried.  
  
ADR: I'm not worried! I'm mad! Why isn't he here? I sent Dromio out to get him hours ago!  
  
LUC: Maybe he was delayed for some reason. I'm sure he'll be here soon.  
  
ADR: No he won't! I know he won't! And you know why? Because he never listens to me! He always ignores me! He thinks I'm ugly doesn't he? I knew it! He thinks I'm ugly and he's run away and never coming back!  
  
LUC: That's not true sister! Look here comes Dromio.  
  
ADR: Where?  
  
(DromioE enters still screaming)  
  
DROE: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!  
  
(DROE continues to scream and run in circles and jump up and down and all that good stuff)  
  
ADR: (yells over screaming) Dromio, for heaven's sake take a breath before you faint!  
  
DROE: (abruptly stops) Yes ma'am.   
  
ADR: Good, now where's my husband?  
  
DROE: He's insane, Ma'am!  
  
ADR: Insane? What are you talking about?  
  
DROE: I told him you said come to home for dinner and he said he didn't have a wife and that he gave me some gold jingly stuff in a bag!  
  
ADR: I knew it! He's ignoring me again! I oughta go out there and give him a piece of my mind! C'mon Dromio!  
  
DROE: No way! If I go back, he'll beat me up!  
  
ADR: Stop making excuses! Now you go that way, we'll go this way.  
  
DROE: Awwww man!  
  
(DromioE exits)  
  
ADR: Come Sister!  
  
LUC: Yes, Sister.  
  
(Adriana and Luciana exit)  
  
NARR: Uh oh, I feel sorry for Antipholus of Syracuse! Let's see what he's doing now.  
  
(AntipholusS enters)  
  
ANTS: Okay this is really weird. I went to the hotel and my money is there! So why was Dromio acting so strange?  
  
(DromioS enters)  
  
ANTS: Here he comes. I'll ask him. Hey Dromio!  
  
DROS: Hi, Master!  
  
ANTS: Don't you "hi Master" me! Why did you lie to me?  
  
DROS: When did I lie to you, Sir?  
  
ANTS: Just now, you fool!  
  
DROS: Sir, I just did what you told me to do. I took the money to the hotel for safe keeping.  
  
ANTS: You told me I never gave you any money!  
  
DROS: uh . . . no I didn't.  
  
ANTS: You're lying again! I oughta  
  
DROS: No, Sir! Please don't hurt me! Whatever I did I'm sorry!  
  
ANTS: I'll forgive you this time, but don't do it again.  
  
DROS: I won't! (to the audience) I have no idea what he's talking about!  
  
ANTS: What'd ya say?  
  
DROS: Nothing.  
  
ANTS: Good, who's that?  
  
(Adriana and Luciana enter)  
  
ADR: There you are husband! Who do you think you are being so late for dinner? Huh? I told you to come in! Why didn't you listen! You were ignoring me weren't you? WEREN'T YOU?  
  
ANTS: W-w-with all to respect, my lady. I don't know who or what you're talking about.  
  
ADR: Don't make excuses! I'm tried of being ignored by my husband. You are going into the house right now and having dinner!  
  
(Adriana exits)  
  
LUC: Don't look so scared, Antipholus. My sister only wants assurance that you love her.  
  
ANTS: (love struck) What's your name?  
  
ADR: (offstage yelling) I'm waiting!  
  
DROS: Master, do you have any idea what's going on?  
  
ANTS: No idea, Dromio.   
  
DROS: Maybe we should get out of here.  
  
ANTS: Yeah let's-  
  
LUC: (interrupting) Come Antipholus, it's time for dinner!  
  
(Luciana exits)  
  
ANTS: (looking after Luciana) You know, on second thought, let's just play along.  
  
DROS: Master?!  
  
ANTS: Stay here, Dromio, and make sure no one comes in.  
  
(AntipholusS exits)  
  
DROS: Master wait! Maybe we should . . . well . . . okay.  
  
NARR: Well this is interesting. Adriana thinks that Antipholus of Syracuse is her husband! I wonder what will happen when her real husband shows up. Let's find out.  
  
(enter AntipholusE, DromioE, Angelo, Balthazar)  
  
BALTH: Hey, Antipholus! It's nice of you to invite us to dinner and all, but Angelo here still owes me a lot of money.  
  
ANG: I told you I don't have it right now!  
  
BALTH: You said you'd get it!  
  
ANG: Well I haven't gotten it yet!  
  
BALTH: Why you little-  
  
ANTE: (interrupting) Hey, hey hey, guys, guys c'mon. Let's be cool here. Now, Angelo I want you to make me a gold necklace for my wife and in return I will pay Balthazar for you. Now does that sound like a plan?  
  
ANG: Sounds good to me.  
  
ANTE: Balthazar, buddy?  
  
BALTH: Hey, I don't care as long as I get paid.  
  
ANTE: Good, now let's go inside and get some dinner. Dromio, open the door.  
  
(enter person with a sign that says Door)  
(DromioE knocks on the "door")  
  
DROE: Hello, in there! Let us in.  
  
DROS: Go away!  
  
DROE: What?  
  
DROS: You heard me!  
  
ANTE: What's going on Dromio?  
  
DROE: Someone in there told us to go away.  
  
ANTE: What? Hey, you in there! This is your Master! Let me in!  
  
DROS: My Master is inside already and you can't come in.  
  
ANTE: What?! Who is this?  
  
DROS: My name is Dromio!  
  
DROE: Liar! I'm Dromio!  
  
DROS: I don't care who you are! I'm telling you to make like a tree and LEAVE!  
  
ANTE: Why you little! Let me in this instant or I'll break down the door!  
  
ANG: Hey, Antipholus! Calm down.  
  
ANTE: But this is my house!  
  
ANG: We know it's your house, buddy.   
  
BALTH: Look, there's obviously been a misunderstanding, let's just leave before you embarrass yourself.  
  
ANTE: Yeah, all right. C'mon, let's go to the Porcupine for dinner. My treat.  
  
ANG&BALTH: All right!  
  
(all exit)  
  
NARR: Well that was interesting. Now Adriana is eating dinner with the wrong Antipholus, while the real Antipholus is locked out of his house. Speaking of dinner, I wonder how that's going?  
  
(enter Luciana followed by a drooling AntipholusS)  
  
LUC: How could you be so rude to my sister! She's trying to talking to you and all you do is look at me! You're her husband! Can't you at least pretend you love her?  
  
ANTS: Why should I pretend I love her when I'm really in love with you.  
  
LUC: But you're her husband!  
  
ANTS: No I'm not.  
  
LUC: Yes, you are!  
  
ANTS: I think I would know if I were married.   
  
LUC: But-  
  
ANTS: (on one knee) Lady, I love you! Will you marry me?  
  
(Luciana gasps and runs away)  
  
ANTS: Wait! . . . shucks.  
  
(DromioS enters running and grabs AntipholusS' leg)  
  
DROS: Master, help me! The big fat lady who works in the kitchen is insisting that I'm engaged to her!  
  
ANTS: Where is she?  
  
DROS: Right behind me, sir!  
  
ANTS: This is way too weird, let's get out of here!  
  
(enter Angelo with chain)  
  
ANG: Hey! Antipholus!  
  
ANTS: That's me.  
  
ANG: I know it's you, buddy! Here's the gold necklace you asked for.  
  
ANTS: I did?  
  
ANG: Sure you did! I'll be right back with Balthazar so you can pay him!  
  
(exit Angelo)  
  
ANTS: Everybody here is mad!  
  
DROS: Master, please! Let's run!  
  
ANTS: Sounds good to me! C'mon, we'll be safe in this church!  
  
(exit AntipholusS and DromioS into church)  
  
NARR: I agree with Antipholus of Syracuse, this is getting weird. I wonder if Luciana has told Adriana that Antipholus of Syracuse asked her to marry him?  
  
ADR: (yells from offstage) HE DID WHAT? HE'S INSANE!  
  
NARR: Mmm, sounds like she did. Let's see was the Antipholus and Dromio of Ephesus are up to.  
  
(enter AntipholusE and DromioE)  
  
ANTE: Where is Angelo with that necklace I asked him for?  
  
DROE: Here he comes now.  
  
(enter Angelo and Balthazar)  
  
ANG: Hey Antipholus, here's Balthazar. He wants his money.  
  
ANTE: Give me the necklace and I'll give him the money.  
  
ANG: I just gave you the necklace.  
  
ANTE: No, you didn't.  
  
ANG: Yes, I did!  
  
BALTH: Hey, are you trying to cheat me!  
  
(enter Adriana, Luciana and Dr. Pinch)  
  
ADR: There he is Dr. Pinch! My husband who says that he doesn't know who I am and that he's in love with my sister!  
  
PINCH: He must be mad!  
  
ANTE: What are you talking about, woman?  
  
PINCH: He is definitely mad!  
  
(Pinch takes AntipholusE by the arm)  
  
ANTE: Get away from me you fool!  
  
(AntipholusE pushes Pinch)  
  
PINCH: Aaagh! He is mad! Quick! Grab him, before he gets away!  
  
(Angelo and Balthazar hold AntipholusE)  
  
ANTE: What are you doing? Let go of me!  
  
PINCH: He is mad I tell you!  
  
ADR: Make him better, Dr. Pinch!  
  
PINCH: Take him away!  
  
DROE: Master!  
  
ANTE: No!!!!!!  
  
(enter Duke and officer with Egeon)  
  
DUKE: What's going on out here!  
  
ANTE: Help me my Lord! Please! I am not mad.  
  
EGEON: That's my son!  
  
EVERYONE: (freezes and looks at Egeon) What?  
  
EGEON: Antipholus, my boy! Where is your brother?  
  
ANTE: What are you talking about? Who are you?  
  
(enter Emilia from church)  
  
EMILIA: My lord Duke, some men came running into my church just now, I think you should talk to them.  
  
DUKE: Send them out.  
  
(Emilia motions that its safe to come out, enter AntipholusS, DromioS)  
  
EVERYONE: gasp!  
  
ANTS: Father! You're alive!  
  
EGEON: My other son!  
  
ANTE & DROE & DROS: Who are you?!  
  
DUKE: What's going on?  
  
(everyone starts talking all at the same time, Duke goes to Narrator and motions for her to blow her whistle)  
  
NARR: (blows her whistle)  
  
(everyone freezes)  
  
DUKE: Thanks  
  
NARR: No problem.  
  
DUKE: Can ONE person please explain what's going on here?  
  
(everyone raises their hands)  
  
DUKE: (points to AntipholusS) You  
  
ANTS: My Lord, my name is Antipholus.  
  
ANTE: That's my name!  
  
DUKE: I didn't call on you!  
  
ANTE: But my Lord-  
  
DUKE: Quiet! Please continue.  
  
ANTS: Thank you, Sir. I'm am from Syracuse. I came hear to find my Father.  
  
(Egeon waves)  
  
ANTS: And my twin brother.  
  
DUKE, ADR, ANG, BALTH, ANTE: Twin?  
  
ANTS: Yes, twin. I think until now everyone here has been mistaking us.  
  
ANG: I gave you a necklace!  
  
ANTE: I asked for the necklace.  
  
ANTS: And he gave it to me by mistake. Here it is.  
  
ADR: Who had dinner with me?  
  
ANTS: I did.  
  
ADR: And you're my husband.  
  
ANTE, ANTS: No! I am/He is!  
  
ADR: Ooooooooh!  
  
ANTS: Brother  
  
ANTE: Bro!  
  
(they do a fancy hand shake and hug)  
  
DROS: Then you must be my brother!  
  
DROE: And you're mine!  
  
(they hug)  
  
DUKE: I hate to break up the family reunion, but your father must pay a thousand marks or he will go to jail.  
  
ANTS: Wait a second! Dromio?  
  
(both Dromios come forward)  
  
ANTS: Uh . . . from Syracuse!  
  
(DromioE steps back)  
  
ANTS: Ah, Dromio do you have the bag with the gold jingly stuff in it?  
  
DROS: Right here, Sir.  
  
ANTS: Great! Here my Lord, a thousand marks in gold.  
  
DUKE: Good. Officer let him go!  
  
OFFICER: You got it, boss.  
  
EGEON: YEAH!  
  
OFFICER: You watch yourself, Egeon!  
  
EMILIA: Egeon, you're name is Egeon?  
  
EGEON: Yes.  
  
EMILIA: It's me, Emilia!  
  
EGEON: Emilia?  
  
EMILIA: Yes, you're wife!  
  
EGEON: Emilia!  
  
(they hug)  
  
ANTE, ANTS: Wife?  
  
EGEON: Boys, this is your Mother!  
  
DUKE: You know what, this is amazing. Everyone let's get some food at the Porcupine to celebrate! My treat!  
  
(everyone cheers)  
  
NARR: And they all lived happily ever after. The End!  
  
(everyone makes a chorus line, bows and exits) 


End file.
